A gold star lesbian is a dyke who has never had sex with a cis man. It’s a status some lesbians take pride in, but it’s not without its problems.
First, it’s a sexist term. It posits that women are pure until they touch a man’s penis, and then they become tainted.
1. It places value on some sexual experiences above others.
I think the most significant problem with the phrase “gold star lesbian” (and its male counterpart, “Platinum Gay”) is that it places a very high value on never sleeping with a man. This is a pretty big pile of TERF horseshit, especially since many LGBTQ people have a sexual history that includes cis men.
In addition to putting a lot of value on never touching a penis, this term also implies that some sexual experiences are more valuable than others. This can be dangerous when it comes to sex, particularly for lesbians who are vulnerable or have experienced trauma involving men. It can also make it harder for rape survivors to talk about their experiences, because the idea that some sexual experiences are “better” than others is incredibly problematic.
2. It’s been used to justify biphobia.
Whether joking or sincerely held, phrases like “gold star lesbian” and “Platinum Gay” are problematic. They reinforce the idea that sexuality is a binary, and that those who identify as bisexual are tainted by past experiences with men or simply “going through a phase.”
The term has been used to justify biphobia—the fear or hatred of people who are or may be attracted to both sexes—alongside other forms of discrimination against queer women. As a result, the stigma against lesbians who have had sex with men is still prevalent, and it has real impacts on those who experience it. And that needs to change. Right now. So let’s talk about it. —Rachel McCormick, settherecordstraightpodcast
3. It’s been used to justify transphobia.
The phrase “gold star lesbian”—which refers to a lesbian who has never had sex with a man—has become controversial in the LGBT community. While it’s sometimes used as a joking reference, it can also be seen as a form of homophobia. It’s also been used to justify transphobia, by suggesting that women who have sex with men are not real lesbians.
This kind of pathologization is harmful because it can lead to the scapegoating of trans people and creates obstacles for them to overcome negative attitudes and stereotypes. It’s also been used to justify medical procedures such as sterilization, hormone therapy, and psychiatric evaluations that can violate their human rights. These treatments are often based on sexist notions of gender and fail to take into account the experiences of survivors of sexual violence.
4. It’s been used to make it more difficult for rape survivors to talk about their experiences.
If you’ve ever watched an episode of season three of The L Word, you know that the girls often talk about what it means to be a “gold star lesbian.” It’s a status some women take pride in—and one that’s been used as a way to reinforce ideas of cisgender purity.
These notions of purity have been incredibly problematic for the LGBTQ community in general, and especially for people who are survivors of sexual violence. The idea that sex with men automatically taints you is inherently sexist and degrades all women, regardless of whether they’ve ever slept with men or not.
Similar terms like “Platinum Gay” and “Gold Star Gay” have been criticized for being exclusionary toward bisexuality, as well as for alienating rape survivors by placing too much value on their past experiences with men.
5. It’s been used to make it more difficult for cis women to date cis women.
In addition to promoting ideas of purity, the idea that lesbians should never have sex with men can also make it harder for those who have. This was arguably most clear in 2021 when cis porn star Lily Cade used the term to describe herself as a “gold star lesbian” in response to a BBC article that called out her refusal to have sex with trans women.
But the fact is, it’s perfectly normal and healthy for lesbians to have a diverse sexual history. And no one deserves a gold star just because they’ve never touched a cis man’s penis before. It’s just a putrescent pile of TERF horseshit that makes people who aren’t as cis straight feel less worthy of the lesbian label.
